An attempt to understand someone's problems from a different perspective is called sympathy.If you struggle with this, you can support your friends and loved ones by expressing sympathy.You may find that you develop more genuine sympathetic feelings if you follow these steps.
Step 1: The other person can talk about his/her emotions.
Offer to listen to him or her talk about how they are dealing with their problems.You don't need to have a solution.A sympathetic ear can be helpful.
Step 2: Body language can be used to express sympathy.
You can show that you are paying attention when you listen.Make eye contact and nod.Keep your body turned toward the person.Don't try to do two things at the same time.To avoid interruption, turn off your phone.Leave your arms and legs uncrossed to keep your body open.If you can see your hands, keep them relaxed and facing sideways.This will let you know that you are listening to the other person.Lean towards the person.It might make the other person feel more comfortable talking to you.The person is talking.People feel more comfortable talking as a result of nodding and other encouraging gestures.Look at the other person's body language.This isn't to say that you have to copy everything s/he does, but to keep your body in a similar posture to his or hers.
Step 3: Offer comments later.
The other person needs you to listen as he explores his feelings and thoughts.Even if it doesn't feel particularly helpful to you, this is still supportive.If you offer advice before it is asked, you risk making the other person think you are making his/her experience about them."No-solution listening" allows you to give other people a safe place to vent and work through their feelings, according to author Michael Rooni.They don't feel pressured to take your advice or that you are taking over their situation.I want to support you if you need me to.Do you want me to help you with your problem-solving, or do you just need a place to vent?Either way, I'm here for you.You may be able to give practical advice if you went through similar experiences.It's not a command to frame your advice as your personal experience.I'm so sorry you broke your leg.I broke my ankle a few years ago and it sucked.Is sharing what I did to cope helpful?Make sure you don't dictate a course of action.If the person is interested in hearing the advice, phrase it as a probing question, such as "Have you considered _____?"Do you think it would help?The other person's agency in making his or her own decisions is acknowledged by these types of questions.
Step 4: Appropriate physical contact should be used.
If it's appropriate in your relationship, physical contact can be comforting.If you're used to hugging someone, do it.Touch his/her arm or shoulder if you're not comfortable with that.Even if hugging is part of your interactions, be aware that some people may feel too vulnerable or raw to enjoy a hug at that moment.Look at the other person's body language and see if he seems open.Would a hug make you feel better?
Step 5: Offer to help with work.
Someone going through a hard time in her life will appreciate some assistance.The gesture shows that you are there to help, even if s/he seems to be handling these tasks well.Drop off a home-cooked or restaurant take-out meal.Ask if you can help by picking the kids up from school, watering their garden, or assisting them in some other way.Mention a specific date and time in your offer, rather than asking someone when they're available.During a time of stress, this gives him/her one less thing to think about.Before offering food, ask.The person may be overwhelmed with pies and casseroles after a funeral.Something else could be helpful.
Step 6: Refer to the same religion.
If you both belong to the same religion, use that to bond with the person.Offer to pray for him or attend a religious ceremony with him.When expressing sympathy, don't mention your religious views.
Step 7: Don't claim to know or understand what someone is going through.
Everyone copes in different ways, even if you did the same thing.It is possible to describe how you felt during that experience or suggest ideas that might help, but remember that the other person may be going through a different struggle.Say something like, "I can only imagine how hard this must be for you."I was sad when my dog died.If you feel that your problems are more serious, never say that.You support the other person.
Step 8: The other person's feelings should not be minimized.
The other person's problems are real.Don't tell him that they're not worth the attention and focus on listening to his/her problems.Don't try to minimize or invalidate your friend's experience.If you try to comfort a friend who has lost a pet, say, "I'm sorry you lost your dog."You're invalidating her grief for her pet, even if you don't mean it that way, at least it could have been worse.This could make her feel bad about sharing her feelings with you."Don't feel that way" is an example of invalidation.It would be pointless to reply "Don't think like that!" if your friend is struggling with body image issues after an illness.You're still attractive.Your friend is told that he is wrong or bad for having his feelings.You don't have to agree with the idea behind the feelings.I'm so sorry that you feel unattractive, I hear you say that.That must be really bad.I think you're still attractive.Don't say it's not as bad as it could be.This can be seen as a dismissal of the person's problems and a reminder of other problems in their life.
Step 9: The other person does not share personal beliefs.
S/he may be offended by such statements, or he may not be comforted by them.They can feel impersonal.It's best to keep your focus on the person you're talking to and what you can do for them.The other person may be a deeply religious person who doesn't believe in an afterlife.It's natural for you to say "at least your loved one is in a better place now," but the other person may not get that.
Step 10: Don't try to get someone to use your solution.
It's reasonable to suggest a course of action that you think might help someone, but don't stress the person out by bringing it up frequently.You might see it as an easy solution, but be aware that the other person might not agree.Let it go once you have said something.If there is new information, you may be able to bring it up again.I know you don't want to take pain medication, but I heard about a safer drug that might have fewer risks.Do you want to research the name on your own?Drop it if the person declines.
Step 11: Stay calm and kind.
The other person's problems may be less serious than you think.You may be jealous of someone who doesn't have a lot of problems.You may never have a good chance to bring this up because it's not the right time.It's better to leave the room and say goodbye.
Step 12: Don't be mean or act hard.
Some people think that "tough love" is an effective therapy technique, but this is not the case.A person may be depressed if they are grieving or sad for a long period of time.Trying to get him/her to "toughen up" or "move on" is not helpful in this case.
Step 13: Don't insult the person.
It can be easy to lose control of your emotions during times of stress.Once you've calmed down, leave the room and apologize if you find yourself arguing with the person.Don't insult someone who needs sympathy.S/he may be feeling vulnerable.
Step 14: The event or problem should be acknowledged.
If you heard about the problem from someone else, use these phrases to explain why you're approaching the person.If s/he started the conversation, acknowledge the other person's feelings.I'm sorry to hear that.I heard you were going through tough times.That sounds very painful.
Step 15: Ask the person how they're doing.
Some people respond to stress by becoming more busy.They might not take the time to think about their emotional state.Make eye contact and use a phrase that makes it clear you're asking about his/her feelings, not day-to-day life: "How are you feeling?"How are you handling everything?
Step 16: Express support.
You should be clear that you are on his/her side.Mention friends and family that may be able to support him/her, reminding him that he has other people to turn to."I'm here when you need me."I'll be in touch later this week about helping out.Don't say "let me know if there's anything I can do."The person has to think of something for you, which they may not be able to do at this time.
Step 17: The person should be aware that emotions are appropriate.
Some people feel that they are experiencing the wrong emotions.Let them know that it's okay to cry if they need to.I accept whatever you need to do right now.It's normal to feel guilty.The other person just expressed an emotion.