How To Get a Stubborn Family Member to Look After Themselves
It's difficult to watch family members not take care of themselves.You could be dealing with an elderly parent, a sibling struggling with addiction, an ill relative, or some other family member.It's important for you and your family to find ways to encourage healthy choices.You can't force someone to take responsibility for themselves, but you can try to help them take care of themselves better.
Step 1: Make sure to Formulate your concerns in advance.
It's important to plan your main points in advance so that you can keep track of your thoughts.In the heat of the moment, you don't want to blurt out what you're not saying.You could try to write an imaginary letter to your relative.Imagine that you're in your relative's position after reading that letter.In a constructive way, this will help you frame your concerns.Imagine what your relative's objections will be.Responses to those objections should be respectful and thoughtful.There are reasons why your family member's behavior has a negative impact on others.Discuss your concerns with a third party.Don't rehearse the conversation but be clear about what you want to say.
Step 2: It is a good idea to plan a conversation for a quiet moment.
You should talk to your relative in a way that maximizes your chances of success, even though you need to.You can address your concerns with a conversation in advance.The conversation should be planned in advance.Don't wait until a crisis happens to bring up what's bothering you.Let him know that you want to speak with him.It's a bad idea to have a heavy conversation with your relative.Give him time to prepare.The setting should be comfortable.Take your relative out to lunch to show your good intentions.Don't talk about problem drinking in a bar in settings that evoke the problem.
Step 3: Ask your relative why she doesn't want to take care of herself.
stubbornness may be covering up many different emotions or issues.The question needs to be phrased carefully.You want to say that you are interested in hearing the answer.You want to avoid asking the question in a way that makes you feel pressured.You could ask: "I know that we don't always agree on this issue, but I'd love to know more about your perspective." or "What scares you most about reaching out to a therapist?"If you want to understand your decisions around food, ask: "Why do you refuse to eat healthy food?"Some people are angry about needing help or guilty about the burden they impose on others.Others might be frightened about their condition and seek reassurance through making their relatives and loved ones take on too much responsibility for their care.They may see failing to take care of themselves as a way to get attention from you.
Step 4: Listen and respond.
Don't rush to give solutions or interrupt your relative.Don't express your feelings for your relative at the same time.Anger and resentment will only make the situation worse.Practice non-judgmental listening.Put yourself in someone else's shoes.Listen to what he has to say about his experience.Take into account that your relative's feelings, judgments, and perspectives might be different from your own.Don't be fake.You don't have to think that your relative's decisions are great.You should be calm and honest.You could say: "I understand that taking medication for your depression is frightening for you."I can accept that you feel that way, even though I don't agree with your decision.
Step 5: The physical should not be confused with the emotional.
Be aware of mental health issues, memory loss, or other factors that might make it hard for your relative to take care of themselves or even to remember why she should.You will need to get your relative evaluated by a professional if you observe changes in his behavior that make you suspect dementia.Some behaviors can have physical causes.A person with low blood sugar might become confused or cranky.
Step 6: Discuss the effects your relative's choices have.
Negative impacts his choices are having on you, his career, or his children should be emphasized.You can use "I" statements where possible.Specific examples can be offered instead of saying, "You're making everyone miserable!"You could say: "When you come home drunk, I see that your children are scared and worried." or "I feel overwhelmed when I have to come over every night to make sure you're ok."
Step 7: The conversation should end on a positive note.
If you haven't been able to achieve all of your goals in the conversation, close it by telling your relative something that you value about her.Let her know that the relationship is important to you.She took the time to talk to you honestly.The point is not to win the conversation, but to build a trusting relationship.
Step 8: You can ask other people to talk to your relative.
A trusted member of the community may be able to reach your relative in a way you can't.Hearing the same message from more than one person might help your relative understand the seriousness of the situation.You could reach out to your relative's pastor or rabbi.It's damaging to family relationships if one doesn't take responsibility for their own health and well-being.It is possible to stage an intervention if you have a relative battling addiction.In consultation with a doctor or a licensed drug counselor, this should be carefully planned.
Step 9: Praise the healthy choices.
Positive reinforcement is more effective than criticism when it comes to encouraging healthy behaviors.If your relative does something good for himself, point it out to you.You could say: "I've noticed that you have gone for a lot of walks with your friends."That's great!It makes me happy to see you exercising and enjoying yourself.I know it's not easy.
Step 10: You can model healthy behavior.
You can't make someone else take care of themselves, but if you show her that you are willing to get rest, practice healthy nutrition, talk about your feelings, and move and breathe in healthy ways, then you'll feel better no matter what she chooses to do.You could inspire her to try it.
Step 11: You can learn about your relative's condition.
Patterns of communication that work in general might not work well with someone who is suffering from a mental health issue.Advice on effective communication strategies can be offered by support groups or your own therapist.You might be able to understand the situation better if you read your relative's condition on your own.
Step 12: You can do healthy activities with your relative.
A friendly invitation shows that you care about your relative and want to spend time with him.It is possible to strengthen your relationship and offer you things to talk about besides your conflict over his behavior by doing an activity together.Go for a walk or jog with each other.You can sign up for the same class.It is a good idea to turn exercise into a social occasion to support your relative in making good choices.
Step 13: Support your relative in ways that are good for you.
It doesn't mean that you cannot do anything for your relative if you want to.You should develop a set of things that feel sustainable to you and that bring you satisfaction as well as helping your relative.If you have your relative over for dinner, buy and cook healthy food for her.You don't have to feed your relative every day.Preparing a diabetes-friendly treat is a nice gesture if you host a party and invite her.
Step 14: You have needs of your own.
It's hard to care for a relative.Taking on any aspect of a relative's care will affect your own well-being.You need to take care of yourself as well.
Step 15: Negative thoughts about your role in your relative's life should be changed.
The thought patterns that stop caregivers from taking care of themselves are common.You need to seek support for yourself so that you don't become overwhelmed with caring.You might think that no one else cares for your relative.You may be feeding into a cycle of dependency if you don't take responsibility for yourself or seek help from others.You may think it's selfish to prioritize your own needs.It is necessary to meet your own needs first.Caregiving seems to be the only way to get your family's respect.
Step 16: There are support groups for family members.
It's helpful to talk to other people who have been through the same thing.Al-Anon helps relatives of people with drinking and addiction problems.A list of local organizations with resources for family members of people with traumatic brain injuries is provided by the Brain Injury Association.
Step 17: Bad behavior should not be enabled.
This is a sign of dependence.It is not your job to prevent your relative from feeling the consequences of his own behavior.In order to accommodate his choices, you should not turn your life upside-down.Co-dependency and enabling relationships are not sustainable and will take a toll on you.
Step 18: Accept that there are limits to what you can do.
Your relative gets to make her own decisions.Accepting this can be hard.Discuss your legal options with your doctor if your relative can't make decisions.You may be able to obtain legal powers that will allow you to make decisions on your relative's behalf.