You're in a relationship with a man who has children.Nowadays it's more and more common for someone to have a relationship with children from a previous marriage.When you don't have any children of your own, how do you deal with this?
Step 1: Be honest with yourself.
Determine your own needs.You should know what to expect from this relationship from the beginning.Do you want to pursue a lifelong relationship with the father or only want a casual relationship?
Step 2: Expect a lot of grief.
Whether the father is a widower, a divorcee, or a parent out of wedlock, he is most likely in a period of mourning for his previous relationship.Men are more likely to hide their feelings than women, so don't assume everything is fine just because he says it is.He can discuss his loss if you are interested in a longterm relationship.You can use your conversations to evaluate how well he is handling it.
Step 3: Accept the second place in the beginning.
Early on, his child should be his top priority.You should be able to schedule your own time with him.His money should be used for his child's needs first.Think of it as an excellent way to judge the father's character.Imagine if you will that you are the mother in this situation.You would expect him to act in a way that would benefit his child.If he is showering you with time, money, and attention while neglecting his child, that is a red flag.This is only for a short time.You will gradually become an equal member of the family.
Step 4: You are starting more than one relationship.
If you want your relationship with the father to be permanent, you should have one with both the child and mother as well.Even if the mother has passed on, they will still be in the minds of the father and child.Ask the father about the history of the family.Before you meet the child and mother, you should know about their character, interests, strengths and weaknesses.If you want to understand the man you're dating, use the father's answers.He may have criticisms about the mother that are valid, but be careful if he places 100% of the blame for everything that has gone wrong on her.He can assess a situation objectively and accept responsibility for his part in it.
Step 5: You should expect the unexpected.
You will be facing more variables than if you were in a relationship with a single man without children.Understand that the relationship between the father and mother may change over time.As the child ages and your status in their lives changes, you should appreciate the fact that their thoughts and feelings may change as well.You will face more stress and challenges in childless relationships.Think positive!If you think it's worth it, don't let challenges and stress deter you from pursuing a future with the father.It is important to remember that challenges can be rewarding.
Step 6: You will not be sharing firsts.
Accept the fact that the father has already achieved one or both of these milestone if you want to marry him or have children of your own.How much importance do you place on reaching these steps together as a first in your life journey?It is possible that you will have a partner with prior concrete experience with things that are only hypothetical for you.Whether it is committing to a long-term relationship or having another child, you will have a partner with more intimate knowledge about the situation as a whole and what to expect, as well as more self-knowledge about his own capabilities in that situation.
Step 7: Do you need to reexamine your needs?
You need to reexamine what you need from a relationship after you consider the reality of dating a single father.Do you think you can expect those needs to be fulfilled?Decide if you want to continue dating or walk away.Let the father know if you are only looking for a casual relationship.If he doesn't mind, continue to date without involving yourself in the child's life.If you want to keep things casual but he wants more, or if you would like to pursue a deeper relationship but feel overwhelmed by the circumstances, let him know that there is a conflict of interest here.The situation is too much for you, so tell him that.Don't allow yourself to be put in a situation that you cannot handle.If you are willing to commit to a long-term relationship and become part of the child's life, you should find out as much as you can.Ask other people about their own experiences.Professional help is available about what to expect.Find out more about the child and their mother, both from the father and any other mutual acquaintances you may have.It's important to learn as much as you can about your own situation in order to take the bigger plunge.
Step 8: Ask him what he expects from you.
Talk about his needs.He expects you to know what he expects from your relationship as well as your future relationship with his child.
Step 9: Define your limits.
Resist the urge to please.Don't accept more responsibility than you're comfortable with.Define yourself as a source of support for him, the parent, and not a parent yourself.widowers and male divorcees may find themselves lacking in certain parental skills due to their gender roles.The father may hope for you to fill the mother's role, even if he isn't aware of it.Make it clear to him that he has a duty to learn his own skills and not rely on his mother to do so.
Step 10: Take it slow.
Don't rush into the relationship if you're already madly in love.It will be an upheaval in his child's life if you become a couple.Don't step into the child's world too quickly.
Step 11: Constantly communicate.
It is important to emphasize honesty for the sake of the child.Accept that your situation will cause a lot of stress and possibly negative feelings.If you or the father have doubts, let them be known.Before making the larger step of involving yourself in his child's life, know where each of you stand at any given point in time.
Step 12: Discuss their relationship with the father.
Understand where they are with each other.Find out if their split was amicable, bitter, or somewhere in between.If their current relationship is vicious, you should be prepared for the extra drama and stress that this will add to your own relationships with the father and his child.If their current relationship is friendly, politely but firmly establish yourself as the father's new partner.Don't be afraid to speak up when you believe either one has crossed a line, because the two have a prior intimacy that may inform their interactions.
Step 13: Her role should be respected.
She is the child's parent.She will always occupy a space in the child's life.You will have to hold yourself accountable to her as a presence in her child's life.Her status as mother will never change even if she is negligent or poor.The woman will always play a role in both the father and child's life, so don't feel obligated to respect her.
Step 14: Be nice.
If you can't stand each other, make a point of being civil.Show respect in order to better ensure a positive atmosphere for all concerned, especially the child.The child will be more loyal to their mother than to you.They should treat their mother with courtesy.
Step 15: The deceased should be remembered.
Accept the mother's continued presence in the life of the father if he is a widower.Allow them to speak freely so they can honor her memory and you can evaluate how they are handling their loss.Although a jealous twinge here and there may be a perfectly natural knee-jerk reaction, avoid poisoning your relationships by making the father and/or child feel like they must suppress her memory in your presence.
Step 16: Talk it over with the father.
Before starting a relationship with his child, be sure of your own.If either of you still feels more casual than committed to the other, give up any involvement with the kid.Don't disrupt the child's life too early.
Step 17: Wait a little longer.
If you and the father both want to meet his child, give yourself more time to do it.Allow yourself more time to warm up.If you have second thoughts, ask yourself if it is just nerves or a sign that you are not ready for this.
Step 18: Keep it simple.
To enter their life, take a baby-step approach.When introducing yourself to a child, plan to say hello and then introduce yourself as a friend of their dad.You can meet in a low-key setting.Pick a time and place that are both clearly part of the father and child's time together, rather than a date between yourselves with the child in tow.Plan to make a brief appearance and then leave them alone, so that your presence comes across as unimportant.You should not leave the child with the impression that you are taking Daddy away.
Step 19: Take it slow.
Gradually increase the time you spend together.If you pop up here and there to say hello, limit your exposure in the beginning so that the majority of the kid's time with Dad is spent one-on-one with him.
Step 20: Think of the child's perspective.
As you spend more time with them, keep in mind what the child might think of you.The father-child relationship should be prioritized.Competition for Dad's attention is not something to be taken lightly.
Step 21: Establish your role.
When the child is aware of your relationship, assume your role as the father's new partner.It is important for the child to know that you are not here to be the new mom or dad, but a respected adult figure with an interest in their well-being.
Step 22: Continue to take it slowly.
Allow time for the child to get used to their new role.Even if they accept it, their acceptance may not develop into an emotional bond.Accept that this is reality.You don't want to force a bond between you.In the meantime, be present and consistent in their lives, giving yourself as an added resource for them should they ever choose to use it.
Step 23: When challenged, maintain your role.
No matter how well-adjusted or behaved the child is, expect them to act out at times.Prepare for a balancing act.Expect to hear that you are not their mom or dad when confronting the child.The truth of that statement should be accepted.They must show some respect to you if you assert yourself as an adult figure.The father should be supported by the demand.While your role is to support him as a parent, he needs to be the parent.You should not allow yourself to be backed into the position of being the disciplinarian.
Step 24: The mother should be respected in her child's presence.
They will most likely be more loyal to their mother than to you.Regardless of your feelings towards her, be careful what you say to their child.Don't disrespect the mother in front of the child.
Step 25: Don't be impatient.
Accept that your new role in the child's life will test them.They will take a while to accept your presence.Expect their progress to be upset by each milestone that you and their father achieve, for instance, while they may have grown to accept your role as Dad's new partner, they could be knocked back a couple steps.