When someone uses emotional threats, suffering, and exploitation, it's called emotional blackmail.It is usually done by those closest to you and is a form of manipulation or abuse.If you are dealing with emotional blackmail, you might feel frustrated and trapped, but things can get better.You can set boundaries and confront someone if you know the signs of emotional blackmail.If the person is a loved one, you can stop their manipulation.
Step 1: If you don't do what they want, watch for threats.
These threats and punishments will make you feel bad in the relationship.The person will make you feel bad if they don't get what they want.It may be possible to be blackmailed if you have to do certain things.They might say, "If you don't want to move in together, that's fine."This statement might make you feel like you need to rush the relationship or risk losing it.They might say, "My family doesn't see what I see in you and I'm tired of defending you."I guess there's no point in you going to Christmas dinner with us since you don't want to do big gifts.
Step 2: They should notice if they threaten to get what they want.
This usually comes in the form of physical threats.The person trying to force you to do what they want is emotionally blackmailing.The threat is meant to hurt you.Threatening self-injury alone doesn't mean a person is blackmailing.They may be reaching out to someone.A blackmailer might say, "I need this vacation to feel better about myself!"I will just spend the week at home if we can't go on the cruise.They are trying to get you to go on vacation so they can manipulate you.
Step 3: When someone is trying to make you feel bad, observe.
Even though you haven't done anything, a blackmailer will accuse you of hurting them.When someone is trying to use guilt against you, be aware that you have made mistakes.They may be blackmailing you if your guilt is driving you to do things for them.They might say things like "you don't care about my feelings" or "my friends agree that you're neglectful."
Step 4: You should notice when they make you feel like you have a duty.
It's appropriate to feel a certain responsibility towards your family, friends, and partner.It is possible that your loved ones will try to make you feel obligated so they can manipulate you.The blackmailer tries to get you to step into a role or take on a burden that isn't yours.It may be emotional blackmail if you feel like you need to go out of your way to help the person.If they make you feel obligated to do things that aren't your responsibility, such as babysitting their kids for free, you may be emotionally blackmailed.An emotional blackmailer will make you feel obligated to do things that aren't your responsibility.Your sister wants you to give her $2,000 to help pay for college.When Mom and Dad didn't have other kids in college, it must have been nice to start college first.I don't know.She is hoping that you will feel obligated to give her the money, even though it is not.
Step 5: Don't blame behavior.
People who use emotional manipulation blame others for their mistakes.They hope that blaming you will get them what they want.They can manipulate you if you take on the blame.They may be blackmailing you if you are doing things for them because you feel responsible for the difficulties they are facing.Your partner lost their job.They could say, "You hogged the shower, I told you I needed better work clothes, but you wouldn't listen" or "I got fired because you were always texting me."
Step 6: Someone puts their needs before yours.
People who use emotional blackmail only care about themselves, so they will demand you tend to their needs.They will often ignore yours.It is easier to see that they are taking advantage of you.The person may be blackmailing you if they expect you to help them but refuse to.They might cut you off when you try to vent if they expect you to listen.They may expect you to help them, but make excuses when you need help.Self-deprecation is an example of someone putting their needs before yours.If you share an accomplishment, they may talk about how they could never do it in the same way.If your mother says something like, "He calls his mom every week," listen for it.She points out another person's behavior because she wishes you would do the same thing.
Step 7: Give them what they want.
You will reinforce the behavior if you give them what they want.Stand your ground and say no.Take a few moments to yourself if they keep pushing.You can ask someone else for help."I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, but I can't afford to give you more money."I am able to lend a supportive ear.Remove yourself from the situation and call the emergency services.Stay with them if they threaten to harm themselves.You could say, "I'm really worried about you right now."These are serious threats.Let's discuss what you're feeling.It is unlikely that they will act on their threats.Ignore some of the things they say in order to get attention.
Step 8: Asking them to clarify their intentions is a good way to do so.
You can call out inappropriate behavior without accusing them of anything.It allows you to address them without worrying about the emotional threats they have made.I don't understand what you're asking me.What do you want?
Step 9: Tell the person which behaviors you won't accept.
They have guidelines about how they can act around you.Tell them that their behavior won't be accepted.They can tell you what they want.When you don't get what you want, it's not okay for you to scream at me.You could say, "However, I'm happy to listen if you speak in a calm, kind tone."
Step 10: Tell people that threats of violence will be taken seriously.
It is important to call for help if they threaten you or yourself.Remove yourself from the situation if they threaten you.Don't risk it, it's unlikely they'll follow through.It is unfair to have to deal with constant threats of violence.If you threaten to hurt me, I will call the police or call for emergency services.It's best to take yourself out of the situation while you wait for help.You can ask a friend or family member to help out.
Step 11: Taking responsibility for their actions is not a good idea.
They alone are responsible for their actions and feelings.They may try to make you feel bad for them.This is a way of blaming behavior.Your partner may try to make you feel responsible for their happiness.They expect you to fix it when they are unhappy.It's nice to cheer someone up, but it isn't something you have to do in your life.I'm sorry you had a rough day, but I can't change it.I would love to have a nice evening with you.Your child might blame you for their mistakes, expecting you to clean them up.I'm sorry you forgot to do your project, but I won't stay up all night doing it for you.
Step 12: If the boundaries are broken, follow through.
It is likely that the person will test your new boundaries.When someone makes threats, call the police.Step away from the situation when necessary.They will learn that your boundaries are real when you follow through.I told you I would leave if you started yelling.I am going home.You might remove yourself from the situation if you call for help.Do what's best for you.It will be hard for you to maintain your boundaries, but it will help resolve the manipulation in the long run.Stay strong!
Step 13: If there is a problem, take a break from the person.
Your emotional health is important.Don't spend time with the person if they continue to use emotional blackmail.It helps them see that you won't tolerate their bad behavior.It is possible to limit contact with the person to cut down on time spent with them.You could talk to them about it first."I really value our friendship, but I feel like you've been taking advantage of me," you could say.I need some time to process my feelings.You should spend more time with people who make you feel supported.Remember your boundaries if you decide to mend fences.If you threaten yourself, I will call for help.
Step 14: They blame you for things you didn't do, so call them out.
You won't take responsibility for something they did.They should be encouraged to solve their own problems by accepting the blame for their actions.I am not responsible for you forgetting your lunch this morning.I apologize, but you need to take responsibility for your own actions.
Step 15: Talk to them about how their behavior makes them feel.
They may not even realize they are hurting you.They might be able to understand that you are the victim.It can help with some of your problems.It makes me feel really hurt when you say I don't care about your feelings.I care about you, but sometimes I can't do everything you want.
Step 16: Speak in a non-defensive way.
They may become defensive if you are defensive.It will be harder to resolve the issue because of this.Don't deny their complaints or criticisms immediately.Take turns speaking.Don't make accusations against them.Don't point out their bad behavior to justify yours.
Step 17: When pointing out their behavior use "I" statements.
Instead of blaming them, this keeps the focus on how you are feeling.It reduces the chance of them shutting down.You could say that you are trying to make me feel bad, but I haven't done anything.
Step 18: They can help solve the problem.
This can get them on your side.They see you as an ally, not an enemy.It shows them that you are not attacking them.I feel like we are having trouble communicating.I want our relationship to be great.Do you think we can work together to make things better?If you notice it happening, most people don't like to be called out on emotional blackmail.
Step 19: You should recognize your emotional triggers.
You love and care about those closest to you and they have the ability to manipulate you.They know how to get under your skin.They will be able to target which appeal to your emotions will get them what they want.It can make you feel like you aren't doing enough.You can feel guilty if you don't help them have a perfect life.It can make you feel bad for them.It can make you feel afraid of them.
Step 20: Offer to listen to what they have to say.
It helps to talk it out with the person when they are feeling distress.You can not give them what they want.You will encourage the manipulation if you don't.You might say, "I don't want to give you any money, but I love you and want you to feel better."Listen to what they have to say, then tell me how you feel.
Step 21: They are throwing a tantrum and need to step away.
If their behavior is out of control, it is okay to take a break.They want to manipulate you.They want you to feel bad for not giving them what they want.You don't have to be the one causing them to behave this way.They are doing it on their own.Tell them that you are going to make them some tea.When you calm down, I will be back in a few minutes.
Step 22: If they try to be nice, give them the benefit of doubt.
It is possible to develop a skepticism toward your loved one because of emotional blackmail.Even if they aren't trying to manipulate you, this can make you doubt their intentions.It harms the relationship if you accuse them of manipulating them.Let's say your sister texts you to say she loves you and thinks you're a good sister.Give her the benefit of the doubt, because you might think she is trying to get something out of you.
Step 23: There are healthy behaviors that you can model.
You can teach your loved one to use emotional blackmail by using your emotions.You can model how you want them to behave by having good communication, being responsible for your actions, and following the rules.Being kind, completing chores, and following house rules are some of the things that it means to live in a stable, responsible household.Don't try to control your child by saying things like "this breaks my heart" or "look how sad you've made me."You could say, "In this family, we respect dinner time."I make time to prepare and serve dinner, and I expect you to eat with me at the table.