If your parents are racist, it can be very painful.If you use that term, your parents may not see themselves as racist.They may come from an older cultural background, where certain stereotypes were accepted and thought of as positive."Asians are really smart" may be acceptable to say to your parents.You need to be able to tell your parents why you don't like them.
Step 1: The behavior should be caught in the moment.
If you bring up incidents from the past, people may feel attacked.Talk to your parents if they say something that comes off as racist.It's best to address them in the moment, but this isn't always possible.It might be difficult to catch if you're in public.Bring the issue up later in the day or the next day if you can't address it immediately.Hold your parents to account for their actions.Try to address it immediately if they say or do something racist.Ask them what they meant.Your parents' words and behavior are more important than their character as a whole.Don't make it personal."You're racist" will lead to defensiveness and resentment.Try saying something like "That statement makes a lot of assumptions" or something similar.If you want your parents to be open to change, you need to address the issue at hand.Let's say your parents made racist comments about your friend.Start by asking, "Can we talk about some of the conversation around the dinner table?"Share what was said tactfully to make it less likely that your parents will be defensive.You could say, "I know you meant well when you said Asians are smart, but it hurt Kyoko's feelings because you saw her according to her skin color rather than the person she is inside."Listen to your parents' point of view.They most likely don't realize that their statements are offensive, or that they do not know much about a different culture.You have the chance to educate your parents and understand where they're coming from.If your parents are uncomfortable with spending time with people from other cultures, you can suggest ways to converse.Encourage them to ask questions.They could ask if your family follows traditions from your culture.What traditions do you follow?
Step 2: Specific behaviors should be addressed.
It's best to focus on specific behaviors when talking about racism.While you may be tempted to slam your parents for their character, keep in mind people are more receptive when you address their language and actions rather than dismantling their fundamental character.There is a difference between a "What You Did" conversation and a conversation about what you are.In a "What You Did" conversation, you'll bring up your parents' specific words and actions and why they were not acceptable to you.A "What You Are" conversation draws conclusions about your parents based on their actions.It may not be effective to address this if you feel these conclusions are true.Your parents will not approve of you speculating on their character instead of focusing on the facts of the conversation.Just telling your parents you're racist allows them to get away with it.They can easily derail a conversation if they don't know you know their internal character.If you want to effectively address their racism, stay in the present moment and focus on immediate actions.
Step 3: Prepare for defensiveness.
People don't take well to conversations about specific behavior and actions over character.People tend to personalize accusations of being racist.If your parents are defensive at the word "racist," you can avoid the label and still get your point across.To avoid triggering defensiveness in your parents, focus on the behavior and why it was offensive.Don't let your parents stop the conversation.You can get responses like "I'm not racist" if you frame the issue correctly.If your parents say this, you should focus on the effect the statement has had on a person, or the potential effect it has on them.You could say, "What you said made her feel like you don't see her for who she really is, but as a stereotype."There is no easy way to talk about racism.It's inevitable that defensiveness is inevitable.When you're met with resistance, go into the situation expecting your parents to be defensive.
Step 4: "I" statements can be used.
"I" statements can be helpful in difficult conversations.The emotional reaction to a situation is the focus of these statements.It doesn't come off as if you're making a judgement call.If you're right in the situation, passing judgments won't resolve issues.Focus on your own feelings instead of expressing your opinions as facts.When you're speaking in terms of your own beliefs, it will be harder for your parents to dismantle your claims."I feel..." should be the beginning of the sentence.This is pointing at a cause for your emotion, so don't use statements like, "You make me feel..."It can come off as blaming, which will make your parents feel judged and unwilling to change their ways.Instead of saying "The way you treated my friend embarrassed me", I would say "I feel embarrassed about the interaction between you and my friends at dinner."I think you hurt her feelings.It is possible that your parents will be more receptive to this approach.They might be willing to change for the sake of your feelings if they don't fully understand their underlying racism.This is the beginning of addressing racism.Say something like "please don't comment on my friend's appearance anymore" if they ask what they can do differently.
Step 5: Positive behavior can be modeled.
Model good behavior for racist parents is the best way to deal with them.You should be very careful about how you talk about people of different races.Don't tell your parents why embracing diversity is important.Tell your parents how your friends have helped you push your boundaries and gain perspective.Avoid being stereotyped.
Step 6: Understand your parents' race.
It can be hard to understand racist beliefs, so try to get inside your parents' heads.Many societies have a problem with racism.Many people don't know their actions and words are racist.The way people of color are portrayed in the media is often racist.Words used to describe people of color are often outdated and offensive.This is a phenomenon that can be found in publications such as The New York Times.A person's perspective can be skewed by the perpetuation of stereotypes in the media.This doesn't excuse racism, but it can help you better understand your parents.People are blind to their own racism.People are very defensive when it comes to race discussions.Sometimes subtle racism goes undetected.Your parents may not be able to see their own biases.It's difficult to get people who harbor racist beliefs to change, even though you can point out your parents' racism.The media often demonizes black victims and can appear sympathetic to whites suspected of serious crimes.
Step 7: Don't talk in conversations that make you uncomfortable.
You have to accept that racism is a belief system that is hard to change.If you discuss racist comments with your parents, you should develop a no-tolerance policy.Do not engage in an argument if your parents try to bait you.Acknowledge their feelings and move on.People can't change their beliefs.Sometimes the best thing you can hope for is that they will eventually become less racist.Angry words, incrimination, accusations, and withdrawal will only fuel resentment.If you just tell your parents how much you love them and how grateful you are for everything they've done for you, they are more likely to change their minds.They love you as much as you love them.Try to get other family members who are sympathetic to your beliefs to lend their support by having a conversation with them.
Step 8: Failure is likely to be recognized.
It's very rare for people to change their views if they're older.Asking your parents about their racism will not change the problem.It's still important to address certain behaviors.People are silent because they don't want to have uncomfortable discussions.Silence can be seen as an endorsement of racist viewpoints.Make it clear to your parents that you don't agree with their point of view.The conversation may end badly, but you still need to have it.