Boundary setting is an important part of learning to deal with your parents.It can be hard for parents to believe that you are capable of caring for yourself when you have transitioned to adulthood.They may not have thought about your transition in the same way you do.Allow your parents to see that you are working to take care of yourself as a responsible young adult by talking with them about your concerns and hopes.You may need to bring in another relative or a family therapist if your parents continue to push.
Step 1: The setting should be a good one.
Pick a time when your parents can sit down and talk with you.At first, talk to your parents alone.If you live away from home, you should ask what time is best for them.Your parents may act defensively if you leave your significant other out of the initial conversation.Before you talk, make sure your parents' mood is okay.Did today go okay?It is best to avoid a public place for a conversation of this type.
Step 2: Stay calm.
As you tell your parents your concerns, keep a level voice and keep your emotions in check, even when talking about actions that make you angry.Keeping your mind focused on word choice and expressing yourself in the most accurate way possible is important.Take a break or do a stretch if you feel overwhelmed.If you get angry when your parents speak, focus on your breathing.Take positive energy in and breathe out all of the anger.
Step 3: It's a good idea to be straightforward and honest.
Don't lie or elaborate because you are only as good as your word.You can recount the events from your list.It is possible to ask your parents to remain silent until you finish your initial list of concerns.It is not healthy to keep thoughts and feelings inside.They can make you angry.If you want to avoid large-scale fights or blowouts, try to have constructive conversations about problematic feelings."I love you" or "You know I appreciate what you do for me" are positive statements that can be used to avoid a defensive reaction.When describing your feelings try to connect back to your parents by saying "You know that one time..." or "Remember when I said..."
Step 4: Listen and ask questions.
When your parents are talking, listen carefully and respect them.You have an opportunity to understand where they are coming from.There is a chance that the same event was seen in different ways.You can avoid miscommunication and misinterpretation by listening to them now.Let them know that you are listening.Don't say anything as they are talking.Wait until it's your turn to talk, if you disagree, reserve your response to "Hmmm" at the moment.Wait until they're done and ask some questions.They may want to write down any questions on a notepad.If you want to avoid asking "yes/no" questions, choose open-ended ones.Even if there are areas where you disagree, it is helpful to thank them for listening to your concerns.
Step 5: Ask for advice.
Talking to your parents about your goals for the future will keep parts of the conversation positive.Ask for their advice when discussing your financial, romantic, or work-related plans.You still need boundaries, and this lets them know that you value their opinion.This doesn't mean that you have to reveal every detail of your finances.Half of young adults don't talk about finances with their parents.They could give you credit card advice.Do you think it's worth it to get a credit card with an annual fee?Why?
Step 6: Write a letter.
If you don't feel comfortable talking with your parents in person, write them a detailed letter expressing your feelings or make a list of issues you would like to address.You should be direct and honest in your language.You can ask them questions you hope will be answered.If you would like a response in person, please tell them.It's a good idea to put your feelings down on paper.You might be able to work through your negative emotions.
Step 7: A calming down period is needed.
If your emotions get out of control, you should take a step away and meet again in a day or two.Give yourself time to relax and come back to the conversation refreshed.It's possible that your parents won't talk about these issues again.Continue to enforce your boundaries, if that is the case.Tell them that it's not okay to do something that hurts them.
Step 8: You should be present.
Don't retreat to your room permanently if you live with your parents.Continue to make regular visits to your parents if you live elsewhere.Don't completely disappear from a negative reaction.Show that you want the relationship to work despite the challenges.You should give your parents a heads-up if the tension is high.You could say, "I think I might drop by for a while tonight, will that work for you?"
Step 9: You should demonstrate your maturity and independence.
Your parents may be smothering you because they are afraid that you can't survive on your own.You can use your actions to show them that you are independent.Tell them how you did at work or school.Discuss the challenges you have faced and how you conquered them.Tell them that you completed a difficult task even though you struggled.You can thrive even in tough situations if you think about the long game.Let them see what you're doing with your life by having these discussions regularly.They may be reassured that you continue to do well.
Step 10: You can bring in a third party.
Find a relative who can talk to your parents about how you are feeling.Someone you know and trust should be this person.A family friend will work if they meet the trust test.It is possible for an outside party to calm everyone down.You can meet with a family therapist.If they are concerned about the cost, you can offer to help pay or tell them that insurance will cover part of it.You should argue that your relationship is worth the investment.
Step 11: Take the time to express your appreciation.
It is important to remember what your parents have done for you.Let them know that you're where you are because of their help and guidance.As your relationship heads into new territory, this will make them feel more secure.A simple thank you can go a long way in mending a relationship.Chances are your parents will follow your lead if you start this process.Good moments can be found by looking at the past.Remember when your parents were the best at parenting?Did you go to the zoo?Is it possible to get you the best gifts?
Step 12: Take a look at your internal boundaries.
Take a pen and paper and write down the times when you felt bad for your parents.What boundaries did they cross?These are the boundaries that need to be protected for you to effectively deal with your parents.You might ask yourself if my parents are controlling.Which ways?Is it embarrassing that they are?Which ways?Is they too anxious?What time?I would like them to treat me as an adult.You have to think about how you would like to be treated.This is different by individuals.Some people do not see a problem with certain behaviors.Make a note of the things that bother you.
Step 13: Those boundaries should be communicated.
It's a good idea to sit down with your parents and discuss your concerns.Tell them that you want to strengthen your relationship by understanding what actions are okay and not okay for both of you.Don't be too radical with the boundaries.If you want to see how your parents will react, take a more moderate position.A moderate boundary only requires a small change in behavior by your parents.The nature of your relationship with your parents may be changed by a more radical boundary.
Step 14: There are consequences for crossed boundaries.
Think about what you will do if your boundaries are ignored.The degree of the negative action needs to be taken into account.Establish consequences that you are willing to act on.A consistent end to conversation or activity should be provided by consequences.If your parents comment negatively about your friends or push for too much information, you say, "I know that you are worried, but I need you to be nice to my friends."I will have to spend that time with them instead of here.
Step 15: Enact consequences.
It's important to know that each action creates a reaction.You will want to warn your parents first if they ignore your boundaries.If they keep pushing your limits, you need to let them know that you will take action to protect yourself.Don't be surprised if your parents punish you for violating their boundaries.
Step 16: Prepare for a negative reaction.
Your parents are trying to keep an eye on you.They may respond angrily or negatively to your attempts to set boundaries, or they may try harder to impose them before giving up.You are becoming a successful, independent adult when you remind them.Don't argue with your parents.Remove yourself from the situation and address the issues later if emotions are high.