Wouldn't it be great if kids would always listen?Getting a child to practice good behavior can feel like an uphill battle, if you are used to dealing with young children.Even the most defiant of children can be taught to listen.
Step 1: Go to the child's eye level.
Imagine being a child and having someone looking down to talk to you.It can be frightening.When you get down to your child's height, you're putting yourself on their level, which is a great way to start.Don't give a child instructions from another room.It makes communication much harder if you yell from upstairs.If you are comfortable, you can sit at a table or on a couch.
Step 2: Make eye contact.
Eye contact lets the child know that you are paying attention to them.It is a good way to see if they are listening to you.If you stick with it, a child will come around if they don't want to make eye contact.Keep your gaze warm and not threatening.A child will be resistant if you try to control them.Let them know that you want them to look at you.When you don't look at me, I feel like you're not ready to have a conversation.
Step 3: The child should be calm.
There is no point in trying to communicate with a child who is angry or upset.Make sure the child is calm before you try to talk to them.You can let them cool off in a safe place.If you have a routine for calming the child down, you can do that until they are ready to talk.When they're ready, invite them to talk if you let them calm down."When you're ready to talk, I'm here for you," you could say.Let me know if you come.
Step 4: The tone should be positive but firm.
Children can easily sense your intentions.They are likely to get defensive if you sound angry, controlling, or frustrated.You are telling the child that you are on the same team and that things are not so bad if you use a positive tone.It may come as a surprise to them if you have never been direct with the child.That's okay."I know we have done things differently in the past, but we are doing things this way now."You can still use a tone that sounds positive if you say something like, "I'd like you to pick up your toys now" or "There won't be any TV tonight."
Step 5: They should be asked to do something once.
You should only have to tell a child something once.It is likely that you will have to ask them more than once until they are used to listening to you.You want to limit the number of times you repeat yourself.Wait to see how they respond.If you don't get the response you're looking for, repeat it.It is a good idea to let the child know that you will ask them to do something."You have about 15 minutes of playtime left, and then I'm going to need your help cleaning up."The child will know what to expect.You follow up on what you say you'll do, that's what it shows them.Don't repeat yourself too much.It shows children that you are willing to keep nagging, rather than taking action if they don't respond.
Step 6: If possible, let natural consequences take their course.
If you have said, "You need to get dressed before watching TV, or you'll be late for the party", it's okay to let the child know there are consequences for their actions.When the consequences would endanger the child, never do this.
Step 7: Make your requests brief.
Short attention spans and limited vocabulary are what young children have.Don't use long sentences or big words.When making a specific request, be clear and brief.You can use a single word or phrase to remind the child.If you asked them to pick up their toys and they didn't, you could just say, "toys."Instead of saying that it is your responsibility to brush your teeth in the evening, just say that you need to do it at night.
Step 8: Show that you are reliable.
Children will model their behavior after adults.Children learn that this is acceptable if you don't keep your promises or show up when you say you will.If you make a promise to a child, be sure to keep it.Don't think children will forget your promises.It can be a big deal to them if something seems small.If you tell the child that they can go see that movie when it comes out next month, they will be very much looking forward to it, even if it is unimportant to you.Don't change your system of communication and discipline.The new rules are here to stay even if you treated them differently before.It may take a while for them to get on board.
Step 9: It is a good idea to explain your expectations with warning.
Give the child time to understand the expectations, and to adjust their behavior, because it is not fair to surprise them by saying, "this room needs to be clean in five minutes."Young children may not be able to fully comprehend units of time.You can still help them learn by making your expectations clear.If there are going to be negative consequences, the child, you can say, "I need you to clean your room sometime today so that we can go to the park tomorrow."Half an hour is plenty of time for a child to get dressed, even if they take a few minutes to hem and haw about.
Step 10: Tell the truth about consequences.
One of the fastest ways to get a child to ignore your authority is with empty threats.If you state that there will be consequences for actions, be honest and follow through.It is possible to exaggerate or even lie if you say things like, "Your face is going to freeze like that" or "Sugar will make your teeth fall out."The consequences of actions are still substantial.You can say that making faces like that around other people isn't polite, or that eating a lot of sugar is not good for your teeth.The child will learn that their efforts are not appreciated.
Step 11: Allow the child to feel uncomfortable.
It can be difficult to watch your child feel upset or uncomfortable.The child might make you feel bad for their suffering.If you are using your best judgement and doing what is best for the child, maintain your position and accept that learning to accept discomfort is part of their maturing.Stay calm if the child says things like, "I hate you," or "You're a bad mom/dad/babysitter."They should be allowed to get these things out of their system.You can talk to them about what they said.When a child is not allowed to play with a toy, see a movie, or stay up late, they may feel uncomfortable.They will learn the important lesson of restraint and consequences from this.The limits you set are healthy for them.
Step 12: Praise the good behavior.
Praise a child if they listen the first time or show good behavior.It is good to reward good behavior when you can.It can be a surprise if the reward is something you already promised.Praise your child's good work.This includes listening, talking, doing what you've asked them to do, and any other positive behaviors you would like to enforce.This shows the child that you notice their effort and encourage them to keep making good behavior choices.A surprise reward can be very useful to a child.You can say, "WOW, since you cleaned your room so fast, we have some extra time."Praise from an adult can be a great reward for a child if they want to go play in the park or get an ice cream down the street.Say something like, "Thank you so much for doing your chores!"You listened and did a great job.It is amazing that your room is so clean.
Step 13: Listen to what they have to say.
It is easier to listen to someone when they are listening to you.Listen to the child, no matter what you think about their behavior.You will learn about how to change this behavior in the future.Help the child articulate their feelings by asking them questions.Don't argue with the child if you say things like, "Did you think that was unfair?" or "What did you want to do instead?"If you disagree with them or think their feelings are irrational, remember that they are a child.They should be allowed to express themselves before you explain or justify your stance.
Step 14: Give them their feelings back.
Children will feel heard if you tell them what you know.Children don't know why they feel certain things, but if you can articulate their feelings, they'll trust that you care about them.If a child says, "I wanted to play with the dinosaur but you took it away before I was done!" you can translate that into feelings and say "It sounds like you felt like it was unfair."You can say something calm if the child is upset and says things like, "I hate you" or "Go away."I want to know why you are so angry.
Step 15: Explain the reason for the rule or request.
Some of your reasoning might not be understood by children.It shows you are interested in engaging with them and not just making rules.It is okay if a child does not agree with you.If you say, "I need the livingroom to be clean" and the child doesn't see why, you can simply say "Because it's important to me."The explanation is that I like to have a clean house.Don't go into extended lectures.If a child asks what it means that sugar is bad for them, you can give an age-appropriate explanation, such as, "Sugar doesn't actually contain the vitamins and minerals that give us energy."It can make you sleepy after you eat a lot of it.
Step 16: Tell us about the problem.
Don't assign blame or express judgement.In a calm tone, state what you are observing.You can reference a request you made before.Keep it simple.You left your clothes on the floor.I told you not to do that, I saw clothes on the floor.Clothes need to be put in the hamper.
Step 17: There are ways to say yes.
Children are more likely to become less agreeable when they feel that they are always being told no.Try to find times when you can negotiate instead of saying no.Talk it out and be creative.Find out what the child really wants when you tell them they can't play ball in the house.They just want to play ball.Do they want to stay in the house?You can say something like, "Okay, when I'm done with work, we can go outside and play ball together, or if you want to play in the house, I can play an indoor game with you."You can say, "You can't play video games today because it's a school day."You can use the computer for video games on Saturday.